KNOWING GOD AND KNOWING MYSELF
In July, I had the opportunity to spend a week in the Dominican Republic with thirty-seven high school students and thirteen adult leaders, building houses for two families. This was one of those trips you just know is going to impact people in profound ways because everyone is exhausted and broken down from the work, the heat, and the lack of sleep. On those trips, I always wonder if those mountain-top moments survive the transition into the real world. As expected, quite a few of the students and leaders had aha moments, took steps in their faith, or reignited a passion that had dwindled since the last mission trip. I always hope for that moment and am always a little disappointed when I feel like it doesn’t happen. This year, the trip was wonderful in every way, but I was still left with that lackluster feeling on a personal note. In fact, I sort of feel like the trip actually set me back a little; several of the spiritual habits I had recommitted to this year sort of fell apart during the trip, and it has been a struggle to regain that footing at home. That struggle and some conversations with friends have gotten me thinking about how working in ministry has changed how I experience God.
I have spent roughly the last fifteen years trying to do all the things that will “make me the Christian I’m supposed to be.” Things like reading my Bible, praying, going to church, being kind to others, and building my knowledge of God. But in reality, I’ve spent the last fifteen years failing a lot and often totally missing the point. I have gotten so good at juggling the “good girl” mask, the “have it all together” mask, the “’ mom’ of Studentlife” mask, and so many more that I forget to or maybe don’t even know how to set them down and just be authentically me. For most of my life, I have received the message that we are supposed to have it all together, especially if we work in ministry. That list of “should be” traits often keeps me from looking at God and myself. I think that’s often what happens to me on mission trips, at retreats, and honestly, even sitting in church; I’m so caught up in the list of things I have to do to look good on the outside that I’m missing the point.
Over the last few years, I’ve started asking myself and God what’s under those masks and behind that list of “shoulds”. Is that person really enough if I am not all those other things or don’t do all the things a “good girl in ministry” does? That led to more questions, things like when did I start feeling the need to hide who I am, and how is hiding who I am getting in the way of a truly deep and intimate relationship with God, myself, and others? I don’t have all the answers, but I have seen God slowly peeling back the layers to reveal glimpses of the woman He designed who knows her worth and her purpose and lives from a place of confidence in His love rather than striving to measure up.
One of the primary ways God has been revealing His version of me has been through books, books about faith, books about psychology, books about growth, and so much more. I remember being especially struck by the idea of objective knowing and personal knowing when reading David Benner’s book, The Gift of Being Yourself. Benner explains that objective knowing is knowing about something. It’s the head knowledge that can be explained or observed. Personal knowing is experiential; it’s the kind of knowledge that can be described but not quantified. It was upon reading those words that I realized my faith was based not only more on my knowledge about God than my knowledge of God but also on my knowledge of myself. I had never considered the idea that there were two types of knowing, let alone that they might be affecting how I know God and how I know myself. So, I want to share a short passage from The Gift of Being Yourself that helped me begin to see how closely these are related.
“People who have never developed a deep personal knowing of God will be limited in the depth of their personal knowing of themselves. Failing to know God, they will be unable to know themselves, as God is the only context in which their being makes sense. Similarly, people who are afraid to look deeply at themselves will of course be equally afraid to look deeply at God. For such persons, ideas about God provide a substitute for direct experience of God. Knowing God and knowing self are therefore interdependent. Neither can proceed very far without the other. Paradoxically, we come to know God best not by looking at God exclusively, but by looking at God and then looking at ourselves- then looking at God, and then again looking at ourselves. Both God and self are mostly fully known in relationship with each other.”
I’ve seen Benner’s idea of oscillating between deeper personal knowing of God and self play out over the last few years as my relationship with God and my relationship with myself have changed. When my focus shifts from looking at how much I can know about people, God, or myself to the emotions and experiences surrounding relationships with others, God, and myself, the impact that new kind of knowledge has is so much greater. Life in ministry can often focus so much on the knowledge of God and our responsibilities for creating spaces for others to learn about God or experience God that we often lose track of experiencing Him and truly knowing Him and, as a result, also lose track of getting to know ourselves. Or maybe that’s just another excuse, another mask to hide behind; maybe the real answer is that we’re afraid to look deeper at God or ourselves because we might get let down.
With that thought in mind, I want to give you a word of encouragement. Each time my personal knowing of God and myself grows deeper, it is met with a feeling of grace from God. The new knowledge of or experience of God always seems to reflect grace over the new part of myself that maybe I don’t like so much. He is meeting me on the journey just as He has promised.
